Can a Christian divorce?

Pastor Hans Voortman

With statistics as high as one in two marriages ending in divorce, you'd have to say we live in a divorce prone society! 'For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part', doesn't ring as true anymore, and is hardly the declaration of permanency and unconditional commitment it was intended to encapsulate. 'Till divorce do us part' is becoming more and more the norm!

In the past, marriages lasted - period! Divorce was out of the question. Two things happened as a result. On the one hand, in an atmosphere of commitment and solidarity, difficulties were resolved, because it was perceived that there was no other choice. You had to make it work! Strong marriages often resulted.

Unfortunately another scenario sometimes developed. Much abuse, violence and incompatibility was simply pushed under the carpet while a facade was maintained saying that everything was okay. Often hellish, and at best, dysfunctional relationships were endured behind closed doors.

Thank God, in our more open society the lid is being lifted on these often intolerable situations, and we're starting to realise the prison that many marriages were for both spouses and children.

However, in searching for a solution, divorce should not be the first alternative pursued, especially for Christians. The Bible declares a better first step which can often redeem even seemingly impossible marriages. We'll explore this more in a moment, but it's important to stress two other things at the outset.

Firstly, remember divorce doesn't come without its inherent cost, pain and problems. It's not always the nice, easy answer hoped for! There's often a deep emotional and spiritual hidden agenda in divorce.

Secondly, it's important to stress that 'for better, for worse' is not a biblical licence for tolerating domestic violence or other horrendous abuses in marriage. When God declares, 'I hate divorce' (Mal.2:16), He is not saying that you've got to simply bear the 'worse' and fulfil your marriage vows, come what may. But He is declaring directly that divorce is not a preferred option. He hates it! There is a better way!

THE GOAL OF RECONCILIATION

The Bible realistically accepts that for the welfare of all concerned, separation in a marriage may need to occur, particularly when violence or an atmosphere of animosity exists to such a level that all trust or sense of safety is gone. Paul declares that if there is separation, 'they must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to their spouse' (1 Cor. 7:11). The Bible thereby teaches the possibility of separation for a season, but with the ultimate aim of reconciliation. The lesser option it gives is to remain permanently single. The whole message of the gospel is that Jesus has come to help us in our weaknesses, and to help us overcome any level of difficulties we may face (Rom. 9:26, 2 Cor. 12:10). 'Is anything too difficult for God (Gen 18:14)?' The issue in reconciliation is invariably the human resolve toward it rather than God's willingness to assist in it!

Let me briefly summarise what I've said thus far.

a. Any marriage with sufficient commitment can be made to work.

b. Divorce should not be the first option if seemingly irreconcilable differences occur.

c. While abhorring divorce, the Bible doesn't condemn people to stay in a relationship fraught with danger or in some nightmarish existence.

d. The Bible gives the 'out' of separation, always with the ideal objective of ultimate reconciliation. However if this is not effected, it allows for a state of permanent singleness.

As such, the Bible accepts that sinful, fallen humankind will struggle within marriage in the same way as it often does in other areas. Weddings will not automatically generate eternal marital bliss! As in most things, successful marriages are a product of a lot of hard work.

I fear that here lies the crux of much of the 'easy divorce' that our society (including, unfortunately, the Christian community) is swept up in. We're not prepared to push through, work, overcome obstacles and take responsibility for personal change. In a society of soft options and easy instant solutions, it's much easier to lay the blame at the other partner's feet and simply file for divorce!

The supposition is that it'll work out better next time and it's better to put the past behind and start afresh. Unfortunately, the statistics on second marriages are even worse than the first, for the unresolved character issues and conflicts of the first marriage are invariably carried into and exacerbated even further in subsequent relationships. The challenge always remains, to take personal responsibility and work at rebuilding a relationship. This is the heart of reconciliation and it is what Jesus gave His life for - to bring warring parties together and to overcome enmity through His strength (Jn 14:27, 1 Pet. 5:10).

GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE

Now the Bible does give some legitimate grounds for divorce, but I have purposely begun this article with an emphasis on reconciliation. The two grounds the Bible gives are porneia , and the desire of an unbelieving spouse to leave a marriage and to divorce (See Matt. 19:9, 1 Cor. 7:15). Inevitably people grab hold of these in an attempt to justify divorce, but it should be emphasised that even where these grounds exist, the reconciling spirit of Christ is still present to overcome them (1 Jn 4:4, Luke 10:19, Eph. 1:19).

a. Porneia. This Greek work was used to describe one of the grounds upon which Jesus allowed divorce. Translated 'marital unfaithfulness' in such verses as Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9, it certainly covered any adulterous relationship. But porneia meant more than this. It also included any form of sexual deviancy such as homosexuality, sodomy, and even premarital infidelity that remained hidden until after the marriage had taken place ( Mk 7:21, Rom. 1:29, 1 Cor. 7:2, Gal. 5:19, 1 Thess. 4:3, Mt. 1:18-20). Undoubtedly, porneia betrays the fundamental quality of marriage which was becoming 'one flesh' (Gen. 2:24, Mt. 19:5, Mk 10:7, 1 Cor. 6:16, Eph. 5:31).

b. Non-Christian Partner. In what has been called the 'Pauline privilege', Paul says, 'But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace' (1 Cor. 7:15). Paul presents the possibility of divorce should a person be deserted by an unbelieving partner. However, the earlier verses (vs 12-14) make it very clear that the believing partner has no right to initiate divorce against their unbelieving spouse. Again, the heart of Paul is to encourage marriages to work through their difficulties rather than allowing for easy divorce.

IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES

The traditional marriage ceremony emphasises that 'marriage is not to be entered unadvisedly.' Undoubtedly one of the problems leading to divorce is that many enter marriage not understanding the unconditional commitment involved. More effective premarital counselling needs to occur so that problems are identified prior to the marriage, rather than in the midst of it. Similarly with more effective marital counselling available, couples can be helped more effectively to resolve the difficulties they face. The lack of this support makes it just too easy to opt for divorce, for there's no other alternative offered. In facing up to hard issues we must provide a better safety net of support to redeem marriages on the brink of breaking up.

Yet having spoken of the challenge to rebuild strained marriages, it is also obvious that some situations will remain irreconcilable. This could be because of 'hardness of heart', as Jesus described it (Matt 19:8). In other words there is no resolve by one or both partners to make it work. Alternatively reconciliation may be almost impossible because of such things as mental illness or other physical problems.

As a pastor, I've grappled with the heartache and pain of many marriages and the apparent impossibility of redeeming them. Motivated by compassion, I've wanted to allow people to take the easy way out. On the surface, divorcing and starting again seems to be the most sensitive way to go. Yet the Bible is adamant on the issue of Christians divorcing because it sees consequences which invariably only come out in the second or third marriages.

THE PLACE FOR SEPARATION

The Bible recommends permanent singleness through separation as the answer to irreconcilable differences. It emphatically states that any remarriage that occurs, except on the grounds of porneia , or an unbelieving spouse initiating divorce, is entering an adulterous relationship (Matt. 19:9, Matt. 5:32).

Now I realise some would view this state of 'permanent singleness' as a sentence to a life lacking in love, physical intimacy, companionship and loneliness. As such it seems heartless and unrealistic! Yet there is a fullness of life that many discover through being 'complete in Christ' (Col. 2:10) that assuages the hurt and loneliness of singleness with the reality of Christ's presence.

All I can say is that I've seen time and again God defend His Word and come through for those who choose to do it His way. Similarly, I've also observed that remarriage doesn't always work either, and with the added complications of step families and relationships, the problems of the first marriage, if not resolved properly, are simply amplified in subsequent relationships.

WHAT IF I'VE ALREADY REMARRIED?

Deuteronomy 24:4 forbids a divorced person who has remarried to return to their first partner. As such, God seems to indicate that once remarriage has occurred, there is no point divorcing a second time to reverse an earlier divorce. God seems to invoke this directive to particularly protect the children involved from the devastation that occurs in a community where switching partners happens, and also because He wants to use the second marriage as now a binding relationship through which the independence and problems that led to the initial divorce can be dealt with.

Divorce is not the 'unforgivable sin' (Luke 12:10), but it should be repented of by both partners in the remarriage relationship. 'The blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from every sin' (1 Jn 1:7). Praise God! However, this is not an open door for allowing divorce - just confess it was wrong and God will forgive you and every thing's fine! By no means! Real repentance is godly sorrow that perhaps best displays its fruit by the remarried couple now committing themselves to be zealous crusaders in instructing others not to go their way! Fervently they should fight to reaffirm and uphold biblical standards on marriage, because of all people they can testify to their worth!

CONCLUSION

I firmly believe that every marriage breakdown has the potential to become a marriage breakthrough! As Selwyn Hughes, a foremost Christian counsellor says:

'Incompatibility is not a reason for divorce. That's the reason for marriage (!)...God wants us to have a lifetime of opportunity in which we can develop our character, learn the principles of genuine love, overcome irritation, practise the art of forgiving, adapt, serve, grow together...and where better than marriage for that to be accomplished?'

Many marriages are difficult and they need much help and support to make it through. Separation may at times be necessary, but the great aim, through God's grace and enabling, is that we might be reconciled to one another. That's the great answer the Christian gospel brings to the rot and decay attacking marriages today. God is the great marriage builder! Put your trust in Him!

' Therefore we regard no one from a worldly point of view...in Christ the old has gone and the new has come...and He has given to us the message of reconciliation'

(2 Cor. 5:16-20).