The power of appreciation

Pastor Hans Voortman

What a wonderful thing it is to be appreciated; when someone quite spontaneously and without any contriving or compulsion comes up to you and says, 'You're great!' The need for affirmation is one of the strongest human needs. We all need these positive strokes so as to grow up as well adjusted, emotionally healthy people. Many however, grow up deprived of a parent's love. 'Well done' is rarely heard. Rather, standard-setting and disciplined expectations are the norm: 'Do this! Don't do that!' Soon a 'You're not good enough' script becomes embedded in their spirit and they struggle through life under the load of a negative self-image, forever believing in their own inadequacy.

How important it is to positively affirm children - not just for what they do but more importantly, for who they are. They need spontaneous expressions of love with no hidden agenda or expectations. We need to say, 'I love you' and hug them with sincere affection as we do so. Adults are not divorced from this need either. The regular loving embrace of a spouse, without necessarily any sexual expectation, and being told you're valued and appreciated, is the essence of a strong marriage.

Acts of kindness and thoughtfulness are also the basis for close and endearing friendships. What a different world it would be, and how well-adjusted and together we'd be, if we spent more time practising the simple, yet so easily forgotten, art of appreciation.

THE NEED FOR APPRECIATION.

I firmly believe that much of the dissatisfaction in our western society flows from the lack of affirmation in our lives. Unhappy, and constantly not feeling good enough, we pursue the 'things of this world', hoping to find in their pleasure, the security and comfort not found in our close relationships.

I'm writing this article whilst sitting in the Highlands of Papua New Guinea. I'm here to speak at several conventions and crusades. It's a long way from the sophistication of our western culture. There's no power, rats infest the simple bush house I'm sharing with a New Guinean family, and my legs are covered in flea bites! I must admit I miss the comforts of home. But stripped of many of the supports I normally lean on, life has been reduced to the basic necessities of shelter and food. I'm also strongly aware of a quality these simple folk have in abundance that we, in our 'developed' state in the west are sadly lacking. It's the sense of family - that third basic need of all humans, the need to belong. To feel accepted, appreciated and loved.

Here in PNG culture, family roots are everything. And the warmth that surrounds me is overwhelming. They 'live' community and don't just talk about it. The whole clan lives in an extended atmosphere of affirmation and acceptance. Children are embraced and loved by a whole community of people. Old and young mix together in unencumbered acceptance of each other - a stark contrast to the generation gaps I'm used to. And I've been accepted into all this as a spiritual 'Wantok' ('one talk' or 'family' in PNG Pidgin English), not as an outsider, but as one genuinely loved and appreciated. This society may not have all that we have - but they major on the 'majors' and not the 'minors' that we in our western affluence have been seduced to believe in. They don't try to buy love with a new gadget or some other gift 'to shut the kid up' - rather they give love by their warmth, and express love by their time for each other. As I look out the doorway where I'm sitting I see little that would attract a tourist, yet there is a richness that money can't buy. There's a stability in this society that no amount of social financing can achieve and no trip to the psychoanalyst can make substitution for. These people know how to appreciate each other and I'm the richer for the valuable experience of being accepted amongst them.

The Apostle Paul urges us, that 'whatever is true ... noble ... right ... pure ... lovely ... admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things' (Phil. 4:8). To encourage and uplift is a foundational quality of Christian life. We're urged to watch the temptation to gossip - that capacity to undermine and speak ill of each other (James 1:26; 2 Thess. 3:11-13). Rather we're expected to affirm and appreciate each other. Paul doesn't allow us to leave anyone out (1 Tim. 2:1), even the person who aggravates and rubs us up the wrong way. He challenges us to 'give thanks for everyone'.

King Solomon knew it well when he declared, 'He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious (literally 'affirming' or 'appreciative') will have the King for his friend' (Prov. 22:11).

Our King Jesus likewise 'inhabits the praises', not the quibbles and disaffections, 'of His people' (Ps. 22:3 KJV). It should be the norm that when people enter the church, literally the 'family of God' on earth, that they should encounter a spirit different from the isolation and criticism rife in our world. At least in 'God's household' (Eph. 2:19) they should feel a different spirit. Their yearning for the encouragement that the human condition was made to thrive on should find its satisfaction in the church (Heb. 3:13). 'Let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching' (Heb. 10:25).

THE VALUE OF APPRECIATION

We've all been created with the ability to express gratefulness and thankfulness. It's so easy for us to take each other for granted, to just live together without stopping to reflect on each other's worth. Humans are made social creatures - we don't survive alone for very long. We're made to be with people and to express our appreciation of each other. In a society that's performance driven, that measures everything by the bottom line, it's important to remember that the process is as important as the results. The journey is as valuable as the destination, and along the way, in the process of things, we work with people - flesh and blood - not just figures on graphs and charts. We might go into ecstasy over a business goal reached or a budget realised, but it's people who have made it happen. Stop and affirm the process. Reflect on each other's worth. Whether in a business or a family, people are where it's at - people with feelings, people who will give their all if they feel valued and appreciated. The Bible provides many aspects of appreciation. Let me briefly highlight some of them:

1. Appreciation generates blessing.

There's no doubt that the Lord delights in us when we express positive faith and appreciation for one another. We're commanded to 'enter his gates with thanksgiving' and to 'come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song' (Ps. 100:4; 95:2). There is no room here for the critical spirit. The blessing of God flows from thanksgiving. It inhabits an environment of praise.

2. Appreciation is important in prayer.

Start practising being appreciative and watch God respond to your requests of him. Paul declares, 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God' (Phil. 4:6). As you start being grateful to God and those around you, the sterility of your prayer life will wane as you watch God coming through for you time and again.

3. Appreciation fights negativity and defeat.

In a society with a propensity to pull down, 'how good is a timely word!' (Prov. 15:23). You become part of the answer rather than part of the problem when you strive to be an encourager rather than a gossiper. 'An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up' (Prov. 12:25).

4. Appreciation strengthens relationships.

When Paul rebuked the Corinthians (1 Cor. 1:10-17) his words were accepted because he'd earned the right to correct through the affirmation he'd first built: 'I always give thanks for you...' (1 Cor. 1:4-9). These were not just trite words, but the words of a father in the faith who loved his kids. Discipline that strengthens the bonds of friendship is equally balanced by loving encouragement and acceptance.

5. Appreciation breeds health.

Criticism debilitates. It destroys and eats away at a society. Encouragement lifts up and breaths health into marriages, families, work places and even footy teams! Wherever people gather together, life flows through affirmation. 'A good word makes the heart glad'; 'It is pleasant as honey comb'; 'bringing health to the bones' (Prov. 12:25; 16:24; 15:30).

6. Appreciation affirms the will of God.

Want to know God's will for your life? Then stop being critical and ungrateful. The dissatisfied and unappreciative heart that is fault finding will dig its own hole! 'Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus' (1 Thess. 5:18). End of story! Stop being unthankful for what you haven't got - appreciate what you have. The Apostle Paul said, 'I've learnt the secret of being content, in little or much' (Phil. 4:11-13) and, 'all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes' (Rom. 8:28).

7. Appreciation speaks God's language.

We're urged to bring 'a sacrifice of praise' (Heb. 13:15); to 'give thanks in all circumstances' (1 Thess. 5:18). Hebrews goes on to say, 'with such sacrifices God is pleased' (Heb. 13:16). Bring joy to the heart of the Lord, reflect His own nature. Build up, encourage, exhort, appreciate. You'll be speaking the language of heaven. It's the language God understands and responds to.

BUILDING A SPIRIT OF APPRECIATION

Appreciation doesn't come easily to most of us. By nature we seem to find it easier to criticise and find fault. In building a habit of appreciation in your life remember the following:

1. Remove the option.

You can't 'take it or leave it'! Being positive and affirming is not an option to the Christian life. It is the Christian life. Christianity is a life of faith, and faith is 'the substance of things hoped for' (Heb. 11:1). Now few of us are about to hope for bad things to happen. Few of us have a 'martyr spirit' that's looking to be discouraged and criticised! Rather, we hope for the opposite. So a faith lifestyle is a positive, optimistic one that is looking for the opportunity to encourage, uplift and express appreciation. Paul says 'We always thank God for all of you' (1 Thess. 1:2). We're compelled to give thanks. There's no other option. Again, Paul says we are to give thanks for everyone (1 Tim. 2:1). Similarly, he encourages us to 'give thanks in all circumstances' (1 Thess. 5:18). These are all-embracing statements. The sooner we accept them as being par for the course, the quicker we'll stop trying to excuse ourselves for not embracing them. Appreciation is not an optional extra to the Christian life.

2. Express your appreciation. .

You can die with good intentions. No one can read your mind! Articulate your feelings. Encouragement needs to be expressed. Put it in writing; carry out a loving act; surprise someone with a gesture of support. Look for the opportunities and remember, 'love is something you do!' Tell people how much they mean to you. The Apostle Paul was an expert at it (See 1 Cor. 1:4-9; 1 Thess. 1:2-10; 2 Tim. 1:3-7).

3. Make appreciation a habit.

As much as some people have learnt to automatically find fault, determine that you will learn to respond immediately as an encourager. Make it a settled attitude, a way of life. The Apostle Barnabas had his name changed from Joseph to Barnabas, meaning 'son of encouragement'. Such was his heart that he became noted for his appreciative, encouraging nature and his name was changed to reflect it (Acts 4:36). What a role model! Develop appreciation until it becomes the way you habitually react.

CONCLUSION.

Your words have power. They can bring life or destruction. Your tongue is your most unruly member. Determine to tame it (James 3:3-12). You can use it to give out 'cold pricklies' or 'warm fuzzies!' Beyond just platitudes and hollow words, we must genuinely determine to do as Paul exhorts: 'if there is anything worthy of praise, dwell on such things' (Phil. 4:8).

Whilst writing this article I have had before me a sheet of paper with a number of affirming statements written on it. At a recent leader's retreat we all pinned a piece of paper to our backs and then went around and wrote encouraging statements concerning others on their backs. No one could see who wrote what, but at the end of the exercise each person had a sheet with some thirty or so uplifting comments on it. I urged everyone to keep theirs as I have mine, and to look at it whenever they're feeling down or are tempted to believe Satan's lie that 'nobody loves me!' It lives in my Bible and every now and then I pull it out, refer to it and remind myself - and the devil - of the good that is in me!

Whether in the Highlands of PNG, or wherever you are reading this article, the fact remains the same - appreciation and affirmation have great power. Make it a way of life. You and all those around you will be the richer for it.